


Hoodie

by thestoryofme13



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series), Thomas Sanders
Genre: Depression, M/M, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-16 10:28:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13052160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thestoryofme13/pseuds/thestoryofme13
Summary: http://thestoryofme13.tumblr.com/post/166253212134/achievementunsolved-headcanon-where-the-otherIt was based on the Headcannon found above but I texted my friend it and was what if it was angstyConcept: Angst with Virgil’s hoodie





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Therapy, death, anti-depressants

It had been a month since Virgil had faded. After the nostalgia video, Thomas knew he had to get help, it was imperative for him and his sides. The thing about Patton’s room is there was no space for negative thinking, let alone sad thought, finally, once Virgil had convinced the others to leave the room they had to a lot to discuss. Namely that Thomas and Patton had to confront all of the emotions, not just the happy ones. Logan had told Thomas the numerous reasons why it wasn’t healthy to bottle up all the negative feelings and suggested therapy. While Virgil was apprehensive of telling a complete stranger all of Thomas’ thoughts, feelings, and fears, he supported it because he could not bear to see Patton and Thomas in so much, this decision would be the beginning of the end for him.

Thomas had been in therapy for about two months now; he was learning healthy coping mechanisms and putting his needs first which was a first for him. Thomas’ therapist had suggested that maybe Thomas should try anit-depressants. His therapist could sense that Thomas was struggling with these negative feelings and had been for a while, they feared that it was possible that these feelings of hopelessness about the future could not be handled with only therapy. Thomas was very hesitant, he knew that he needed anti-depressants but what would people think of him, if he needed help returning back to his happy self. Thomas’ therapist assured him that he may not need to take them for the rest of his life, but that these pills would help him come out of this depressive state and “remember how to smile.” (I know this isn’t how this works but go with it, I just wanted a song reference)

It had been about a month and a half of Thomas taking his anti-depressants; he didn’t feel like the future was hopeless or that he was worthless. Thomas knew that in part it had been the anti-depressants but also the intense amount of therapy, he wanted to return to his normal self and if that meant he needed to focus on himself then he would do whatever it took. There had been a surprising side-effect to the anti-depressants, his anxiety about everything had decreased. The difference between this and Virgil “ducking out” was that he still had his motivation and shame, he thought maybe that Anxiety was also benefiting from the therapy, he never would’ve guessed that the pills were making his anxiety fade.

Virgil had noticed things were different, when Thomas started therapy, his host was more grounded and prepared for situations; Virgil didn’t mind because that meant less work for him. It only became a problem when Thomas started the medication, Virgil knew that some anti-depressants are also prescribed to handle anxiety, he was hopeful this wasn’t one of them but he was wrong. After a couple of weeks of taking the medication regularly, Virgil had noticed that he was dizzy, lightheaded, and nauseas most days, he went to go find Logan on one of these particularly bad days. He approached the logical sides’ door and knocked. Logan from the other side of the door said, “You may enter, it’s unlocked.” Virgil opened the door to find Logan sitting at his desk, “Hey Lo, I’m not feeling great today.” Logan looked up at Virgil and took in his appearance he did seem a “under the weather.” Logan spun his chair so that he could face Virgil, “Come here, let me help.” Virgil sat in front of Logan, while the logical side played with his hair and had summoned a pitcher of water. Virgil was enjoying the human contact, especially from his crush, but he knew something was wrong, if Thomas was sick all of the sides would be sick so there is something wrong with Virgil. As for right now he was too caught up in how good it felt to have Logan playing with his hair and to not have to think about anything else, he was focusing on his breathing and eventually fell asleep. Logan had noticed after about fifteen minutes that the anxious sides’ breathing had changed, he looked down and realized he had fallen asleep. He chalked up Virgil’s illness to lack of sleep and picked up his crush. Once Virgil was safely in Logan’s arms, he started walking to the other’s room so that he could sleep in a more suitable environment. Logan left Virgil in his own room, not really wanting to leave but he had to go help Thomas plan for the next week, with one last look at Virgil, he sighed and then left the other to sleep soundly.

When Virgil woke up, he had no idea what year it was let alone where he was. He sat up and immediately regretted that decision, he felt like he was going to puke or pass out. He took a deep breath and looked around, he was in his room, but how did he get here? The last thing he remembered was Logan playing with his hair, he sighed happily at the memory, and prepared to get out of bed when he noticed something, his left leg was gone! What was happening to him! He was panicking, as he hopped to his desk so that he could do some research, he was happy that he had finally convinced Logan to make a digital catalog of all the information on the sides, memories, and anything else of relevance. He brought up the catalog and searched for the symptoms he had recently thinking they may just be something related to who he was, but he was shocked when the result that came back was “Fade.” He hesitantly clicked on the result that came up, apparently a trait can fade due to lack of use or another substance inhibiting the traits’ ability to work. Virgil thought for a moment and then it clicked, the anti-depressants were hindering Virgil’s ability to work and therefore he was not used; which resulted in him being an unnecessary part of Thomas. There was still so much he had to do, but he was running out of time, he began to cry. Not long after starting he shook it off, this was better for Thomas, the medication was helping, it’s not a bad thing. A new chapter of Thomas’ life was beginning, one where anxiety did not have a leading role, he was happy for his host but now he had to focus on what he still needed to do. Virgil could not fade without letting Logan know his feelings, but he knew that if he were to confront the logical side he would become too emotional and not get the point across. He decided he would leave a letter, he knew Logan had emotions and that this dying declaration was selfish but he didn’t care. He would leave the letter and something for Logan to remember him by, but what. Finally, the idea came, eh would leave his old hoodie, at least if left something that important maybe Logan would realize just how much he meant to Virgil.

Dearest Logan,

I am fading, there is nothing either one of us can do now but I couldn’t fade without telling you how I feel. I know this is selfish and that this will only cause you pain but I can’t leave you alone. Don’t be sad for me, my love, this is what is best for Thomas. This new chapter of his life with less anxiety will allow him to pursue all those dreams that I kept him from. I’m losing my train of thought. The purpose was of this letter was to let you know that I love you. I’ve had a crush on you for a while now but I was always too nervous to act on it. The thought of dying and you not knowing how important you are was something I would never forgive myself for. I know that we always talk over you, you think we don’t listen, or you think that you are unnecessary and unloved but I am here to tell you that’s not true. You are a vital part of Thomas, you help to make sure that those dreams Roman comes up with can be attained by thoughtful planning, and keep on task so that we can enjoy our downtime. You may not think you are vital but I know you are, just please remember that. Take care of Thomas and the others.

Yours in eternity,

Virgil

P.S. I’m leaving you my old hoodie so that you have something good to remember me by, take care of it.

With the letter finished Virgil felt at peace, he folded it and folded the hoodie and placed them neatly in the center of his bed. He knew eventually Logan or someone would come in and find it. By the time he had everything in place, he merely had minutes before he would disappear entirely, so he sat on his bed and waited. The good thing about fading is that it didn’t hurt. He heard his door open but he was far too faded by now, the final thing he heard was Logan screaming his name.


	2. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Concept: Virgil has faded now Logan must cope or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Drinking,anti-depressants, isolation, unhealthy coping

Logan was going to check to see how Virgil was feeling today, he approached the door and opted for not knocking in case the anxious side was still sleeping. He opened the door and was immediately frozen, there was the love of his life or at least parts of him sitting on his bed, he had read in-depth about fading but never would he have dreamed that he would witness it. He couldn’t move, he was in shock, everything in his mind telling him to either run toward Virgil or run away but neither seemed to be an option, so there he stood in the doorway screaming Virgil’s name in hopes that he would hear him. He forced himself to stare even though, he felt like he would pass out, if this was last time he would get to look at his crush then he would take advantage of it, no matter how much pain it would cause himself. There was little comfort aside from at least Virgil in this state looked at peace and not in pain. Patton had come to see what Logan was screaming about and put a comforting hand on the logical side, not really certain what was happening or how to comfort a person who believes emotions were illogical. The minute the Patton’s hand was on Logan’s shoulder the logical side crumpled, uncontrollably sobbing into Pat’s chest. Roman had come to see what the commotion was about when he saw the scene in front of him his heart broke, Logan was sobbing while Patton held him. Roman looked at Patton questioningly, “What happened?” Patton looked at Roman and shrugged, “It has to be Virgil will you go in the room and look around.” Roman was scared to see whatever it was that caused the usually stoic trait to be hysterical, but upon entering the doorway he saw nothing unusual. Anxiety kept his room pristine so it would be easy to tell if something was out of place, then he saw the black hoodie neatly folded on the bed, Roman knew how anal Virgil was about hanging his hoodies, so he approached it cautiously as if it may bite him. Once closer he realized that there was also a note addressed to Logan sitting neatly atop the hoodie. Roman knew Logan would not approve of this invasion of privacy but the logical side was in no state to read, so he brought the letter toward where the other two were still standing. He unfolded the note gently, scared of what it could contain, and began to read aloud. With each sentence, the sobbing from Logan increased and was eventually joined by Patton. Roman had refused to make eye contact with either of the two sides until he finished reading, once he looked up he found that the two sides had collapsed to the floor with sorrow. Roman went back and retrieved the hoodie from its place on the bed to give to the logical side, “I suppose this is yours Logan,” he said as he handed the hoodie to its new rightful owner. Logan took the hoodie and pulled himself off the ground as well as away from Patton, and proceeded to walk to his room.

How was Logan supposed to live when the only person who made him feel emotions was gone, how did he not notice what was happening? He had done enough research on the traits, that he should’ve known that the anti-depressants would negatively impact Virgil. How could he have let Thomas take this medication and not foreseen the only outcome, his crush fading? After so many years of having suppressed emotions, experiencing so many in one day was taking its toll on Logan, he turned the thing he promised Virgil he would never do again, whiskey.

Many months ago, Virgil had stumbled onto Logan during one of his frequent binge drinking excursions. Logan had been feeling useless and looking through Tumblr had only made it worse; that is when Virgil found him. Logan was likely on his fourth whiskey and had hit his head which knocked him unconscious. Virgil heard the noise of something falling, deciding that he should check it out he found the Logical side on the floor with a gash on his head and the smell of alcohol clearly all over this room. Virgil had wondered what could have possibly driven the Logical side to this state, he noticed the laptop that was open on the desk and saw Tumblr; naturally he was intrigued. Once he saw what it was his heart almost stopped, it was a gif of Logan clapping at Patton from the Fitting In tvideo, but all the comments were about how Logan shouldn’t be so harsh, or why was he so frustrated. Virgil looked at the Logical trait, shut off the computer and picked up Logan to put him in his bed. Once Logan was safely in bed, Virgil fetched a bucket, water, and a cold rag. He had pulled up a chair to watch the logical side to make sure that he didn’t choke on his own vomit, just because he did something stupid did not give him the right to die! He must have fallen asleep at some point because he woke up to the noise of someone vomiting, his instincts instantly kicked in and he rubbed Logan’s back. Once Logan was finished, at least for now, Virgil looked at him and said, “How could you be so stupid, Lo! You could have died! Then what would Thomas do! What would I do? You are such a vital and important part, I’m sorry we don’t let you know this but we need you.” Logan grimaced and flinched, “Verge, no more yelling,” he said just barely audible. Virgil blushed, and sat next to Logan, “I’m sorry Lo, the hangover, but you deserve it! Promise me never to do this again, if you need someone to talk to please come find me or find someone, I don’t care if you talk to the wall! Just please let yourself feel and not bottle everything up.” Logan glared at Virgil, “If I promise to never do this again will you stop yelling?” Virgil nodded not realizing how passionate he was on this subject. The two stayed in Logan’s room all day going between napping and just enjoying the silence.

Logan had summoned a large bottle of whiskey and a cup, he started to pour out his first glass tears streaming down his face and said, “I’m sorry I couldn’t keep my promise, Verge.” He took a large swig and felt the burning in his throat, it would take a couple more glasses before he felt the numbness he desired, but anything to suppress his emotions was godsend at this point. Three more glasses and he couldn’t think anymore which was the desired effect. He sat at his desk deciding to relive happy memories. The first memory he sought out was when Virgil hissed at him, he just looked so adorable. Why couldn’t he have had the courage to confess his feelings? After reminiscing for a couple of hours, he clicked play on the memory of Virgil fading. He knew he shouldn’t but here he was rewatching the love of his life fade for the tenth time in front of his eyes. He couldn’t take it anymore, he threw the laptop at the wall.

Weeks have passed and Logan has yet to leave him room, Roman and Patton had knocked almost every day but never once got an answer. On the other side of that door, Logan did the same thing daily, he would start by watching the happy memories and convincing himself that Virgil was still okay, only to be met with the harsh reality of that final memory of Virgil fading. Around the logical sides’ usually pristine room was scattered empty whiskey bottles, he was not keeping track but if he had to take a guess it would probably be close to twenty-five. The happy memories were so that he could feel something other than despair when he was sober, the whiskey was to numb the despair when the memories had faded, and the memory of Virgil fading was to remind himself of the painful reality that was his life now.

Every night he watched the fading memory before he would attempt to go to sleep, he always had Virgil’s hoodie but at night he would wear it to bed. Somehow it still smelled like Virgil and he had taken to chewing on the sleeves, like he had reprimanded the anxious side for doing so many times, somehow chewing in the same place he knew Virgil had, was the closest he would get to the taste of his lover’s mouth. This article of clothing, the smell, the taste, this was closest to love he would ever get to feel. Maybe this was a sign that Logan wasn’t meant to be loved, after all, it was illogical and irrational. At least in his dreams, Logan could live out the fantasies he wanted with Virgil, knowing that in the morning he would once again be overcome with loneliness and despair.


	3. Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Drinking, delusions, bad coping, fading, doubt, anti-depressants, therapy

Thomas had been doing better not that Logan would’ve noticed. He never left his room or helped the others anymore. After three months Patton and Roman had given up on trying to get Logan to come out, it didn’t help that now the fanciful and moral side now had to pick up the slack from the logical trait and anxiety. The two sides were running themselves ragged trying to keep Thomas safe, making sure he stayed out of dangerous situations, on task, and thought about things rationally. Patton and Roman knew the others had contributed a lot but never realized how difficult either of their jobs were, any of the sides’ jobs were difficult and required a lot of work in order for Thomas to function properly. It was only made more difficult by having two inexperienced sides in charge of things out of their comfort zone.

It had been about a year of intense therapy by the time that Thomas’ therapist suggested that they could ween him off the anti-depressants if he felt comfortable. Thomas’ therapist had the utmost confidence in the coping skills that he now possessed as well as the support group that he was surrounded by. Once Thomas felt comfortable they began to lessen the frequency until he was finally without the anti-depressants in one-year and six months. He felt great, obviously, he would continue therapy but with these new coping techniques and all the love and support from his friends and family he finally felt “normal.” It took a couple weeks for him to feel completely back to normal and for the medications to be out of his system. Thomas had no clue what madness the sides were going through, they hadn’t made a video in a year and a half, and no one had popped up recently either.

Logan heard a knock on his door, the sound was so foreign after having gone so long without any noise aside from replaying the memories and his own crying. He was engrossed in the fading memory, his routine of drinking, reliving good memories, and finally ending with the fading memory had yet to change over the past however amount of time. The pain, the drinking, and the delusions of happy past memories had made time elusive. Every night still ending with Logan craving his lover by clutching onto his hoodie as if it was his lifeline, and it is very possible that hoodie is the only reason he was “coping.”

Logan didn’t hear the door open but he did notice the hand on his shoulder, he turned around to see Virgil. Logan looked like he was about to pass out, “I must have had too much to drink. Virgil, I miss you so much. I can’t believe the hole this has left in my heart.” He talked to the “delusion.” Virgil started to weep, had this been what Logan had done for the entire time he was gone, the alcohol was evident on him and the room. Virgil put his hand on Logan’s face, “Lo, my love, I’m real.” Logan looked at Virgil in disbelief, “You can’t be real! It’s illogical! You faded, you left me!” Virgil flinched at the tone in Logan’s voice the hurt was evident, “I assure you I am very real,” he pulled Logan in for a kiss filled with passion. Virgil pulled away quickly, “Logan, you need to stop drinking! Please, I can’t help you if you refuse the help. You promised.” Logan looked at Virgil, he was a little sober from the sheer amount of emotion, “I couldn’t deal with being alone Verge! Dying declarations are selfish, I was never able to tell you I reciprocated these feelings! My last memory of you was, you literally fading in front of my eyes. I loved you!” Virgil recoiled, “Loved as in past tense?” Logan looked at the anxious side, “I’ve had to use the past tense to help convince myself that you were gone, it will take some getting used to.” Virgil grabbed Logan by the hand and lead him to the logical sides’ bed, there they lay, the chaos outside could be dealt with tomorrow but for now, they were able to sleep in each other’s arms for the first time. Logan mumbled something about this being much better than a hoodie, Virgil just smiled not even realizing until then that Logan was indeed wearing his old black hoodie.


End file.
